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In what seemed like only a few minutes later, I woke up with a start. My arms were empty, I had been covered with a blanket and I was alone. I sat up and looked around for David but he was nowhere to be seen.
I pulled on my trousers and searched for David, eventually finding him sitting out on the balcony drinking coffee and watching the sunrise.
“Do you ever sleep?” I asked.
“Not a lot,” he smiled at me and handed me a cup and filled it from the carafe on the small table next to him. “Isn’t it beautiful?” he gestured towards the horizon.
I could see the sun’s early light reflected in his dark eyes, and it seemed more beautiful than anything I had ever seen before. But I couldn’t help but notice the dark circles that were beginning to form under them, “you barely sleep, you hardly eat, what is it that keeps you going?” I sat down in the chair opposite him and took a sip of the coffee.
“Lots of black coffee,” he laughed, then he set his cup down, and gathered his robe tighter around him, “it’s a bit chilly this morning.”
“Why don’t you come inside and I’ll warm you up?” I offered, placing my hand on his arm and stroking the soft material that covered it.
“Nice thought, but I have to be at the studio by seven,” he stood up, drained the last of his coffee and opened the patio door, “you don’t need to rush though. Stay as long as you want.”
“David, please wait a moment…”
He turned back towards me a slight frown on his face, “what is it?”
I wanted to tell him that he needed to take care of himself, or let me take care of him, or something to let him know that I was worried about him, but the look on his face made those words stop in my throat. Instead I joked, “I didn’t get a kiss from you.”
His frown quickly turned to a smile, he walked back to me kissed me on the lips, briefly, and then said, “that will have to do for now. Please lock up when you leave.” And then he disappeared into the flat.
When I was alone I decided to do a bit of snooping. I fought the guilt as I looked around, but I told myself I was just trying to get a better understanding of David. He was not very forthcoming when it came to talking about himself, and I reasoned that this might help me get to know him better. His closet was organised to the point of being a bit scary; all his shirts were hung neatly and arranged by colour, as were the dress trousers and the suits. His shoes were lined up almost as if he used a ruler and on the shelves were neat piles of jumpers. His chest of drawers was again exceedingly neat, and held no surprises.
Finding nothing of great interest in his bedroom, I wandered into the bathroom and I opened the medicine cabinet. Tucked behind the shaving crème and after-shave were a neat row of prescription bottles, I recognised a couple of them, one being a garden-variety decongestant and the other being ibuprofen to be taken as needed. The others I had to jot down on a piece of paper off a tablet I found in his bedroom next to the phone, with the idea of looking them up later.
I had no scenes that day so I used David’s shower to wash up and then headed home. I fired up my computer and searched on the names of the drugs I had written down, the first one turned out to be a motion sickness pill, frequently prescribed for people going on ocean cruises according to the website I found. Nothing terribly exciting, I mused, and typed in the next one. The next one turned out to be a fairly heavy-duty sleeping pill, given how many there were left in the bottle, explained why David didn’t sleep much, he obviously wasn’t taking them.
It wasn’t until I got to the last one that I was rocked back on my heels. I read the words on the screen and sat back in my chair. I closed my eyes trying to picture how many pills were in the bottle, did it look dusty? Was he still taking them or, like the sleeping pills, had he given up on them? David’s rapid mood swings, his hyper activity, and everything else I had carefully avoided dwelling on made sense.
I spent the rest of the morning and afternoon trying to figure out how to approach the subject with David. If I came right out with it, I would have to admit to sneaking around behind his back and snooping where I shouldn’t have been. A part of me wished I had just minded my own business and left well enough alone. But on the other hand, his health was important to me, I wanted him in my life for a long time. I knew what time he would be done filming so I headed over to the set and waited for him at his trailer.
Eventually David appeared, “you look like you’ve seen a ghost” he joked as he opened the door and stepped inside.
“After you left, I went looking for some aspirin, for a headache I felt coming on,” I lied, sitting down on the chair while he started to change out of his costume into his own clothes.
He didn’t react, just slipped off the suit jacket and hung it up. He had gotten the shirt mostly unbuttoned and turned to look at me expectantly, “and?” he prompted, and turned back to the task at hand.
“I couldn’t help but notice the prescription sancaktepe escort bottles,” I ventured.
“Yes, well, if I had really not wanted you to see them I would have hidden them John. I know you’re a nosy bastard,” He slipped off the suit trousers, hung them up and stood before me only in his pants and vest, “so where is this all going?”
“I am just concerned about you…” I faltered, not being able to say what I really wanted to with him staring at me, his face totally still and the cold look in his eyes.
“Gee, thanks. I don’t know how I got on all these years without that,” he slipped on his jeans and sat down to put on his shoes, “OK now that you have come to say what you wanted to say, you can go now. I’m sure that your discoveries have put things in a new light and that’s not the first or last time that has happened.”
I watched him finish dressing my mind racing with everything I wanted to say, but nothing came out of my mouth until he slipped on his jacket and started to leave the trailer, “David, wait!” I called to him. He stopped, and put his hands in his pockets, but said nothing. I took a deep breath, “I just wish you trusted me enough to tell me these things.”
A wry grin played on his face, “it’s not something that comes up in a normal conversation. When would you suggest I work that in? ‘Hi, I’m David, I’m an Aries and I like long walks on the beach, watching sunrises, holding hands and…’ seriously John, it would send people screaming…”
I couldn’t help but smile, “you’re right, the ‘long walks on the beach’ would scare anyone off.”
“Exactly!” he gave a little half smile back, then his face grew serious, “I appreciate your concern, but this is something I’ve been dealing with most of my life, and I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine, have you seriously looked at yourself lately? You’re far too skinny, you hardly sleep and if I don’t miss my guess you aren’t taking the medications are you?”
He turned away from me for a moment and then turned back leaning in just inches from my face, “here’s something to think about John; I don’t need another father, I have one already. If you want to be my lover, my friend, then you are just going to have to trust me. If you can’t then I don’t want or need you in my life.”
“I can’t worry about you?” I replied.
“Yes, of course you can, and lord knows I can’t stop you, but this is not up for discussion. I don’t want your advice. I don’t need your pity or that way you are looking at me like I’m some sort of specimen on a slide. I had to put up with that from my own family growing up and I won’t have it now, not from you or anyone else!” With that he started to walk away, but before he got out of earshot he turned back, “by the way, the aspirin was in the kitchen, right on the counter top, you couldn’t have missed it.”
I just stood there watching him walk away from me.
“I told you he was damaged goods,” I heard from behind me. I turned to see Phil with a smirk on his face.
“You knew this all along, and you didn’t tell me?” I turned to face him.
“You bet I knew it, you know we have to get medical exams and histories on all our actors. For instance, I know how often you get an HIV test and how many times Mollie’s had cosmetic work done. I tried to warn you, John.” Phil patted me on the shoulder, “Your sweet little David is a loony, he’s usually a well-medicated loony so you’d never know, but have you ever noticed his wrists? Check it out some time. He tried to top himself when he was sixteen. I’ve paid a lot to keep that out of the press.”
“Well, he isn’t 16 now…” I argued.
“Yes, but he’s still a loony.”
I grabbed him by the collar of his jacket lifting him off his feet, pulling him up to my eye level, “stop calling him that! So he has problems, we all do, but he’s a very nice person and he doesn’t deserve your scorn!” I hissed, “I still love him and I think you’re just jealous, because David loves me!”
“Suit yourself,” Phil twisted out of my grasp, “I wish you all the luck in the world John, I mean that from the bottom of my heart, but just in case I’d hide all the sharp knives.”
His smirk made my fists itch, I really wanted to punch him, but I took a deep breath and willed my self to calm down, “he is more of a man than you could ever be, Phil. And there is nothing in the world you could say or do to make me change the way I feel for him.”
That night, after I returned to my flat, my words to Phil echoed in my head. I really wanted to believe that knowing what I now knew didn’t change my feelings for David, but was it the truth?
In a moment of painful clarity it hit me that I was so in love with the idea of being in love with him that I had built him up to an ideal, that was so unfair, that finding out he was only human after all was a disappointment.
I closed my eyes and replayed our last encounter in my head. I saw the way David looked at me, his dark eyes showing his vulnerability; wanting me to say it was OK, that I still loved him, even though he acted as if it didn’t matter. sarıyer escort Why didn’t I tell him then? What held me back?
I opened my eyes and without thinking reached for the phone, and began dialing his number, it rang once and then I hung up. This was not something I could do over the phone, I reasoned. I need to see his face.
I stood up and got to the door, but what if he wouldn’t see me? I pictured standing outside his flat talking to thin air. My indecision froze me in place, so when a knock came on my door the sound made my heart jump in my chest.
I opened the door to a small dark man holding a package for me, I recognised the uniform as being a local courier’s firm, but was puzzled as to who would be sending me something at this hour. Inside was the green hoodie I had lent David, held it to my face, hoping to get his scent when a note fell out. It read, “this time I have a corsage.”
I puzzled over that one; it was obviously from David but the words made no sense at first, then it hit me. I ran out of my flat, hailed a cab and hoped I was right.
I got to the bar and tried to peer inside before going in, hedging my bet, but the years of cigarette smoke had made the already dark windows even darker. I stepped inside my eyes scanning the bar and not seeing David I turned to leave. One of the barmen stopped me, and without a word handed me a see-through box that contained a single orchid and some green fronds pierced by a large pin. Attached to the small box was another note, this one just said, “look behind you.”
I turned to see David standing there, without a word he took the box from me, opened it and pinned the corsage to my shirt. Then he stood back, cocked his head at me, gave me a sly smile and then turned to walk towards a booth in the back of the bar. I followed him and took the seat opposite.
“Are you going to say anything?” I asked, breaking the silence.
“I don’t think that corsage is really you…” he laughed.
I looked down at it, then back at him, “it’s the first one I’ve ever gotten, I’ll treasure it forever.”
David leaned forward, his chin resting in his hands, “so now what?”
“What do you mean?” I stalled.
He sat back, looking down at the table and folded his hands on the tabletop, and said nothing for a while, “you know what I mean.” He finally said, still not looking up.
I put my hands on his, “it doesn’t change anything. I still love you, but you have to understand that I will be concerned, I will want to help you; I will want to see if I can get some meat on those bony ribs of yours. I can’t separate wanting to care for you from loving you. You can’t keep pushing me away; you can’t keep running from that, David. It’s a package deal.”
He slid out of my grasp, ran his hands through his hair, and took a deep breath, but remained silent, then with a sudden movement that took me by surprise he slid out of the booth and took off at a fast walk to the door.
I sat in stunned disbelief, trying to figure out my next move, when the voice in my head screamed at me to get off my ass and catch up with him. I did just as he was stepping into a taxi, throwing myself in next to him and accidentally knocking him against the side of the cab.
The cab driver heard David’s head hit the window and turned to around, “this man bothering you, love?” he queried.
David straightened up and rubbed his head before replying, “constantly, but I’m getting used to that.”
The driver hesitated but pulled away from the curb without another comment.
David moved as far away from me as he could in the small confines and then ignored me as if I wasn’t there until we were a block or so from his place, then he sighed and turned towards me, “I guess this isn’t the best place to be saying this, but here goes; go away, leave me alone and just generally fuck off.”
I could see the cab driver’s eyebrows rise at that but he kept his eyes on the road.
“My answer would have to be no.” I countered.
“To which one?” David shot back.
“All of them.”
The cab eased to the curb, David paid the man and got out on his side, never stopping to see if I was behind him. Even though he was only slightly taller than me, his long strides left me breathless trying to keep up with him. I could tell he desperately wanted to pretend I wasn’t there but he did hold the door to his flat open longer that he would have needed to just get himself inside.
He hung up his jacket and went into the kitchen and drank a glass of water before acknowledging my presence. “Why won’t you just leave me alone?” he sighed.
“You don’t really mean that,” I smiled, moving in to circle his waist in my arms.
“Yes, I do.” He replied, but made no move to escape my embrace.
“What are you afraid of?”
“Moths, or really any flying insect that isn’t a butterfly, people with too many facial tattoos or piercings, and anything in jelly that isn’t fruit,” David blurted out with a short laugh.
I tried not to laugh but failed miserably, his mood switch ploy silivri escort had worked, I lost track of what I was going to say next, after I caught my breath I let him go and sat down in one of the chairs.
He sat down opposite me, “after I wrap up filming tomorrow, I have six weeks off. I am going to go home for a bit, I think some time away from each other will be good for us. I am hoping it will give us the chance to figure out what this really all means. Is it really what we want? Or did we get caught up in the moment?”
“So I can’t contact you for six weeks?”
“If you really need to you can email me or call me, but I think it’s best if you only do that if it’s an emergency.”
I felt a curious mixture of emotions, a sense of abandonment, anger at being given no notice of his plans, and a feeling of dread. Six weeks sounded like forever, “Would missing the hell out of you be considered an emergency?”
“No,” he countered, “I will miss you too, but I have to do this. For my own sanity, and clarity of mind.”
The anger bubbled up, replacing hurt as the key emotion, “I’m just supposed to wait for you? What if I find someone else in those six weeks?”
He gave me a half smile, “then I’d let you go with my blessing. It’ll be my loss and someone else’s gain. I don’t expect you to wait for me; I can’t make you do that, it has to be what you want to do. But my mind’s made up, I need to do this.”
“How are you getting to Scotland?” I asked.
“I’m taking the train, I like the seeing the countryside and it’ll give me time to relax,” David leaned in and put his hand on my cheek, his long fingers cool against my face, “we still have tonight, you’re welcome to stay if you want.”
“Are you suggesting a pity fuck?” I snapped.
David sat back hard against the chair, my words seeming to hit him like a slap in the face, “I know you’re upset with me, and I’m truly sorry for that. But if you really think that little of me then you’ve already given me your answer.”
“I’m sorry too. I just am really going to miss you,” I took a deep breath, “I’d like to stay tonight.”
He leaned forward, a trace of a scowl on his face, “only if you promise to behave.”
“What good would that be?” I teased.
“I meant control your tongue,” he countered.
I knew what he meant but was not going to let that stop me. Instead I pulled him to me and smiling at his serious expression, and gave him a long lingering kiss, with plenty of tongue action. After a while I pulled back, “See how well I control that?”
David took a deep breath before answering, “yes, very impressive.”
In his bedroom David started to undress but I laid him back on the bed, and stretched out next to him, just holding him in my arms. I let him relax before kissing him again, I wanted him to remember this, think of this night when he was in Scotland. I wanted him to ache for my touch as badly as I knew I would ache for his.
I rolled over on my back pulling him on top of me as I moved, and I slowly began to unbutton his shirt. I stopped half way and fastened my mouth on one of his nipples, wetting the fabric and pulling hard. My hands were not idle they stroked his back in time with my suckling and I could feel him grow hard and his breath on my neck came in ever faster bursts.
I left off his nipple and finished undoing his shirt, pulled it open and ran the tips of my nails along his spine, and kissed him deeply. As my fingers hit his shoulders he shuddered slightly and he sat back on my knees, breaking contact with my mouth.
David threw off his shirt and started to undo his belt, but I took his hands in mine and held them behind his back with one hand while the other hand cupped him. As I rubbed the fabric of his jeans against him and he made half moaning, half sighing sound deep in his throat, and closed his eyes.
Still holding his hands behind his back I used my free hand to unzip his jeans and reached inside to stroke my hands on the small of his back and lower, he opened his eyes, the light reflecting off them seemed to be shooting fire at me. Then he freed his hands and rolled over on his back, breathing hard, “please? Now?” he panted.
“I want to make this last,” I insisted.
“I’m going to explode,” he protested, a half smile on his face.
“Good,” I smiled back and straddling him pulled him against me, my pelvis grinding against his, and kissed him again.
When I was sure he was back under my spell, I let him go to undress myself, his dark brown eyes watched my every move as I peeled off my clothes Then when I was done I finished undressing him. He made a move to take my cock in his hands but I moved out of his reach, gently laid him back and slid down to take him into my mouth. As I did I moistened one finger and slid it inside him. I could feel him grow in my mouth as I moved the finger in and out.
I slowly took him all the way into my throat, then released him completely and repeated for a few minutes, until I could tell he was just on the edge of orgasm, then I stopped. I could feel him shake from the need to find release but I wasn’t ready to grant him that yet. Instead moved him to his side spooned up against him and slowly ran my cock along the crack of his ass. I alternated this with lightly kissing his neck and running my hand along his chest, feeling the soft hairs that grew there.
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